Hard to Be the Bard

Story
Shakespeare has sent somebody to spy on Nick Bottom. As he waits for their return, he complains about the difficulty of his job.

Lyrics (Soundtrack)
[SHAKESPEARE] My days are so busy, it's making me dizzy There's so much I gotta do There's lunches and meetings and poetry readings And endless interviews Gotta pose for a portrait and how I deplore Sittin' there for eternity Then it's off to the inn where my innkeeper friend Wants to name a drink after me Then it's back to my room, where I resume My attempt to write a hit Just me and my beer and the terrible fear That I might be losing it

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)] And it's hard (It's hard) It's hard (It's hard)

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS] It's really, really hard So very, very hard

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)] I make it look easy but honey, believe me It's hard (It's hard) It's hard (It's hard) It's so [SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS] Incredibly hard So inconceivably, unbelievably hard

[SHAKESPEARE] It's hard to be the bard (spoken) Honestly, I don't know how I do it. There's only so much of me to go around

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)] I've got so many fans with so many demands I can hardly go take a piss (He can't pee) Be it theater freak or the autograph-seeker They all want a piece of this (Gimme, gimme) It's a cross that I bear, I'm like Jesus, I swear It's a burden but I suffer through it (He is suffering) It's all part of the game, the trappings of fame But somebody's gotta do it (So he does it)

And I know, I know, I gotta go And get back to my pen and ink Oh, don't make me do it Don't make me go through it Can somebody get me a drink?

'Cause it's hard (It's hard) It's hard (It's hard) It's really, really hard (It's really hard) [SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS] It's sexy but it's hard

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)] This bar that I'm raising To be this amazing! It's hard (It's hard) It's hard (It's hard) It's so

[SHAKESPEARE & MANSERVANTS] Annoyingly hard So unavoidably, un-enjoyably hard

[SHAKESPEARE] It's hard to be the bard, baby (spoken) Ugh. I know writing made me famous, but being famous is just so much more fun. You see... (sung) What people just don't understand Is that writing's demanding It's mentally challenging and it's a bore It's such a chore To sit in a room by yourself Oh my god, I just hate it! And you're trying to find an opening line Or a brilliant idea and you're pacing the floor And hoping for just a bit of divine intervention That one little nugget, that one little spark Then Eureka! You find it, you're ready to start So now you can write, right? Wrong! You're not even close, you remember that, damn it Your play's gotta be in iambic pentameter!

So you write down a word but it's not the right word So you try a new word but you hate the new word And you need a good word but you can't find the word Oh, where is it, what is it, what is it, where is it? Blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-ah-ha-ha—

[VALET, spoken] Sir?

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken] Hello!

[VALET, spoken] You asked for information on what Nicholas Bottom is writing. Our spy is here with the news

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken] Did he see me losing it?

[VALET, spoken] He's half blind, sir

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken] Oh, good. Then he only saw half of it. You see what I did? Ha ha...

[VALET, spoken] Oh, yes, yes, yes, wonderful, ha ha

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken] Speak, man. What news?

[EYE-PATCH MAN, spoken] I saw Nick Bottom, I did. He paid a soothsayer to foresee what Shakespeare's greatest play would be

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken] That sneaky little thief! Why doesn't he come up with his own ideas!?

[MANSERVANTS] It's hard

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken] No, it is, isn't it?

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)] It's really the worst (It's hard) Makes me wonder why I didn't think of that first (It's hard) Hard to alleviate the pressure to create (It's hard) Hard to do something as good as the last thing I did that was already great (It's hard) It's hard (So hard that he is stealing from the bard) Well I'll hoist him by his petard All that I need is a clever disguise (Clever disguise) I'll make him pay for his devious lies (Devious lies) Let him do all the tedious stuff The work that's terribly and unbearably hard (Oh, hard)

[SHAKESPEARE, spoken] All right, Nick Bottom. I think Shakespeare needs to find out what Shakespeare's next big hit will be!

[SHAKESPEARE (MANSERVANTS)] 'Cause it's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard) It's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard) It's hard! (It's hard, it's totally hard) Fortune and fame Everyone knows my name I can't help it, it's still freaking hard.

Characters

 * William Shakespeare
 * Nick Bottom (Mentioned)